My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
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I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.