I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
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God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
This cat wants you to take your pills