Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
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I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
thanksgiving should be called feaster
🤣🤣💀
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Comparing yourself to others
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.