[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
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Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.