[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
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chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye