The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
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-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
Blew my mind.
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
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I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.