how was your vacation
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support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple