Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
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Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
My good tweets are in my other pants.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
The only good comments section online is on recipes
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
This dude got his own movie?
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.