MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
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me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”