There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
You Might Also Like
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
Ain’t no way
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.