Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
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Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Me irl
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser