2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
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Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
San Francisco has too many rules
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.