“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
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Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?