[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
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[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
#polloftheday
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?