i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
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Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Stop.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*