Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
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*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!