Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
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“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
You are what you delete.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
sliding into dms like
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.