Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
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[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer