*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
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Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
is this a threat