When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
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When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
This is the one
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves