Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
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Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
lol
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty