[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
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In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this