Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
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I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Made something I’m not proud of
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Story of my life…..
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice