Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
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There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.