*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
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Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Simple enough.
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*