Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
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This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”