“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
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Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
You sure about that?
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.