“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
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I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Stop.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”