Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
You Might Also Like
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
wut hotdog?
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM