I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
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Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.