shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
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help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house