If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
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Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
j o i m p
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me