[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
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me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that