My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
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“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Bootstraps
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.