*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
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feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Just how popey was the pope today?
this isn’t threatening at all
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now