Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
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Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs