YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
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*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”