So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
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9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
“TGIM!” – My liver
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?