Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
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so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
boat question
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?