A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
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Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Had to try this trend 😊
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Happy thanksgiving!
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*