Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
You Might Also Like
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Feel. He’s so soft.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else