what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
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*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Realize this:
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”