2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
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My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Botany good plants lately?
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.