Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
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Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
For when Tinder doesn’t work
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager