Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
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*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?