I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
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[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness