I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
You Might Also Like
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
hackers play passwordle
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.