If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
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“Morning, how was your weekend?”
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was