if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
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Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
Thursday Thought.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.