A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
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Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
These are too funny not to post 😂
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.